To Have And Not To Hold - Vingt-Quatre

[mtemplar_fic]

Title: To Have And Not To Hold
Author: mtemplar
Rating: Adult
Characters: The Doctor (Tenth), Rose Tyler
Genre: Angst, Graphic Sex, Graphic Violence, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Disclaimer: I do not own 'Doctor Who' and am making no profit from this fanfiction.
Spoilers: Series 2, up to 'School Reunion'
Author's Notes: My first Who-fic - please be gentle! Thanks to slayersgrl and nonlinearmusing for initial read-throughs and suggestions. Grammar and formatting helpfully beta'ed by brit_columbia and banshee196; general content/grammar has been kindly betaed by platypus - thank you all so very much!
This story is loosely based on the Fourth Doctor serial, 'The Brain of Morbius' and contains elements from the 1996 TV Movie and the NA novel 'Lungbarrow'.

Summary: The Sacred Flame of the Sisterhood of Karn has failed. Will the Doctor once again be able to put things right? Rose soon finds herself in over her head as she learns a few secrets about her traveling companion.

Previous Chapters:

Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq Six Sept Huit Neuf Dix Onze Douze Treize Quatorze Quinze Seize Dix-Sept Dix-Huit Dix-Neuf Vingt Vingt et Un Vingt-Deux Vingt-Trois

Crossposted to Teaspoon and time_and_chips!

Latest Chapter:

Rose awoke to the strange sensation of being warm, yet cool at the same time. She carefully stretched her leadened and lethargic limbs, becoming aware of a dull heaviness behind her eyes. Sensations began to register as she slowly moved to full awareness - one, she seemed to be lying on an extremely cushy bed and her desire to let herself sink into the bedding and resume her slumber was increasing rapidly; two, she was still wearing her blood-stained robe and it was beginning to itch; three, she was cocooned in the warmth of a plush covering that she desperately wanted to feel against her naked skin; and four, a cool body was snuggled up to her front, its head pressed to her breast and even breaths penetrating her robe to tickle her skin. Her eyes snapped open, taking in a mop of disheveled brown hair directly in her line of sight. Remembering the sight of the Doctor's blood-soaked clothing, she tentatively brushed a hand down his back, feeling smooth skin beneath her fingers. Someone had taken the liberty of removing his ruined jacket and shirt, and Rose felt somewhat thankful.

She carefully eased him away from her, gently disentangling her limbs from his, and ignored his small, sleepy squeak of protest as she rolled him onto his back to examine his wound. All that remained was a thin stripe of shiny skin, the redness of it standing out against the paleness of his chest. Flakes of dried, crusted blood were still adhered to his skin, along with a small amount of residual green slime. Rose wrinkled her nose, wondering if he'd be able to wash up anytime soon. She laid her head on his right chest, placing a palm on his left, to hear and feel his reassuring twin heartbeats. They were steady and strong, and she wanted to weep with relief. With his right heartbeat in her ear, she allowed her gaze to continue downward, and saw that his pinstriped trousers had been drawn up and refastened and she frowned. She didn't want to think about anyone touching him there, and marveled at this new feeling of possessiveness.

Despite the weight of her head on his chest, the Doctor slept on, leaving Rose alone to deal with the maelstrom of thoughts whirling through her head. She wished he were awake to distract her from having to confront her feelings resulting from their ordeal, but she supposed that she'd have to deal with her emotions at some point, and now seemed as good a time as any. She surrendered to her musings, her mind turning to speculation as her heart ran to hide.

She allowed herself to ponder a possible future relationship with him, a very complicated-sounding proposition. From what little she understood about the Gallifreyan bonding process, it seemed that telepathy played a large role in it, something that she most likely would not be able to provide for him. She wondered if it was a skill that she could be taught, hoping that it wasn't just wishful thinking on her part. She hoped that if she did ever muster up the courage to ask him to teach her, she wouldn't make the request sound as pitiful as it just did in her head. Then again, she mused, as different as the two of them were, just how could things work out between them?

Rose reluctantly pushed herself away from him and sat up, rubbing at the sudden pricking at the corners of her eyes. The Doctor still hadn't stirred and she shivered, longing for something that was both warm and cool at once. She tried to fight the resurfacing doubt that plagued her, that once she and the Doctor left the influence of this planet, things between them would revert back to how they had been before. She sat back, drawing her knees up and hugging them to her chest. 'To have had something is better than having nothing' was a saying she remembered her mother telling her as a child. She hadn't understood at the time, but the words now returned to haunt her. She still didn't want to believe that they might be true, at least in her current situation, but as much as she didn't like it, she was learning a difficult lesson: that to love such an ethereal being and face possible heartbreak was a risk worth the taking. Emotion overwhelmed her, and she lowered her face to her knees, closing her eyes.

Whatever happens, I was blessed to have you even for the short time I did.

All I wanted was you.

Sarah Jane was right - some things are worth getting your heart broken for.

You were mine, and even if I was only able to hold you for a little while, it was worth it.

It was all worth it.

Hugging her knees tightly to her chest, she realized that she loved the Doctor with a depth and intensity she hadn't thought possible. She loved him so much, in fact, that if things reverted back to the way they had been between them when they finally left this planet, she would cope. Because that's what adults did. Whatever happened, he was hers for the moment, and she planned to savor it for as long as she could. The chaos of her racing thoughts stilled, and she moved to lie beside the Doctor's slumbering form, catching his hand up with hers and pressing a quick kiss to his knuckles before closing her eyes against the light of the fireplace. Order restored, Rose returned to the land of dreams.

***************

"Rose?"

Rose pushed at the hand on her shoulder, doing her best to dislodge it so that she could resume her slumber. The hand, however, had other ideas and continued its insistent gentle shaking.

"Rose!"

"Not now, Mum," she mumbled as she tried to pull the bedcovers over her head. "'M tired - "

"Rose Tyler! I have no doubt that you need your rest, but you have slept for several hours now, and the Time Lord should be attended to - "

Rose sat bolt upright in the bed, coming face to face with Lyra. "Lyra! What... how long have I been asleep?"

"Several hours," the Sister repeated. "Sister Ohica thought it best to let the two of you rest, at least initially, but he should be bathed, and I've brought food for the both of you."

"Um, wait," Rose stammered. "Bathed?"

"Yes," Lyra responded. "Sister Morgana will be bringing supplies shortly. His sleep will be more restful if he is clean."

"Yeah, I 'spose," Rose responded, scratching at her itchy, soiled robe.

"Sister Ohica thought it would be best for you to bathe him. He might not react well if one of us were to do it."

Rose looked back over her shoulder at the Doctor's sleeping form, his face relaxed and lips slightly parted. Her stomach turned over as she remembered how she had felt upon discovering that Melina had washed him before, and she nodded as she turned back to Lyra. "I'll clean him up," she said softly. "The bed's still gonna be dirty though - "

"I've brought clean sheets for the bed. I'll change them now, and it would be much easier if you would assist. We'll put some towels beneath him, and they can be easily removed when he is clean."

"Oh, ok," Rose said as she looked down at her hands, trying to ignore her burning cheeks. She glanced over to the bedside table, seeing that a new tray had been brought in while she had been asleep. Lyra followed her gaze.

"I wasn't sure what you might like, so I brought a little more of what you consumed before. There is also some elbeflower wine, if you wish to have something other than water." Lyra stood, her eyes reflecting mild amusement at Rose's sluggish efforts to slide out of the bed. "I've brought fresh clothing for you as well. Come, if you could roll him toward you, I can replace the bottom sheet on this side."

Rose squatted slightly as she tried to drag both Doctor and covering over to where she stood at the side of the bed. For someone so slight in appearance, he was solid, and she found herself struggling to move him. Lyra ended up coming around to her side to help her.

"Here, you'll end up hurting yourself if you attempt to move him that way. Let me show you."

Rose watched as Lyra hauled the upper portion of the Doctor's body toward her first, then shifted to move his legs and feet. Returning to the opposite side of the bed, she managed to change the sheet beneath as efficiently as any nurse in a proper hospital. Lyra then laid down several overlapping thick towels in the center of the bed, moved the Doctor's body back to the towels in two stages, and stripped off the last of the dirty sheet, tucking the newly placed clean one in beside her. Rose guiltily realized that she hadn't helped at all.

"Is there another one of these?" Rose asked, holding up the plush covering as the Doctor shivered slightly in the bed.

"Yes, there is," Lyra replied as she gathered up the soiled sheet from the floor. "It's in the basket, along with more linens and towels, should you require them. You should use the old one until he has been bathed." Crossing the room to the fireplace, Lyra deposited the sheet in a heap on the floor. She then dragged a wooden bench from across the room into position beside the bed. Rose didn't recall having seen it when she had been in the room previously, and wondered if it had been brought in while she had been asleep. A knock sounded at the door, and Lyra went to answer it as Rose again marveled at her efficiency.

"Sister Morgana - let me help you." A Sister with long, straight brunette locks entered, a strange yoke about her shoulders from which were suspended two sloshing containers. She also carried two large hammered metal bowls and several sponges. Lyra assisted her in divesting herself of the yoke after setting the bowls and sponges on the bench. Slipping back to the fireplace, she snatched up a stoppered bottle filled with a familiar-looking amber-hued oil from the basket and brought it back to the bench. Morgana poured steaming water from the containers into both bowls, and Lyra added a bit of the oil from the flask to one of them, mixing water and oil in the bowl to create a sudsy froth. Rose closed her eyes as the unmistakable heady fragrance of lotus again filled her senses.

"Rose? Are you all right?" Rose snapped back to reality in time to see Morgana exit with the yoke.

"'M sorry," Rose apologized to cover her reverie. "Must be more tired than I thought."

Lyra smiled gently at her. "You should bathe first, then." She crossed back over to the basket near the fireplace, withdrawing Rose's previously abandoned clothing, along with another robe, undergarments and delicately embroidered slippers. "I wasn't sure what you might want to wear, though you might not find your previous attire to be the most comfortable. I'll leave out both." Setting the clothing on the bench, she returned to the basket and withdrew a thick towel, depositing it on the bench next to the clothing. Another knock sounded at the door and Lyra hurriedly crossed to open it, revealing Sister Morgana again, this time with a bundle of wood in her arms. Lyra directed her to leave it beside the fireplace, and the Sister departed with a curt nod. Rose fidgeted, not quite sure what to do.

Lyra stood in the doorway, also nodding to Rose. "I would bathe quickly, if I were you. The water will be warmer and more comfortable. It should be fairly easy to pull the towels out from under him when you are finished. If you require anything, the door will not be locked. One of us should be nearby." And with that, Lyra exited, shutting the door behind her with a firm click. Rose stared at the door for a moment before her gaze settled on the shivering Time Lord in the bed.


Next Chapter

Comments

[misssara11.livejournal.com]

I just want to say, I've been loving this story, even though I've been very neglectful about commenting. This is always one of, sometimes the only, highlight of my Wednesdays. Imagine my delight when you updated today!

Thank you for writing this and I'll be sad when it goes.

[mtemplar-fic.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much! There's at least another 4 - 5 (or so, depending on how wordy I get) chapters coming, so don't be sad just yet. *grins*

Excellent Story!

[momgeek545.livejournal.com]

I, too, have been lax in posting my appreciation for your good work. I'm enjoying your story!

Prin Vingt-Quatre Comments

[principia-coh.livejournal.com]

Rose awoke to the strange sensation of being warm, yet cool at the same time.

I'd imagine snuggling up with the Doctor is rather like having a room-temperature cat snuggled up to you and trying its damnedest to suck up all your body heat.

…two, she was still wearing her blood-stained robe and it was beginning to itch…

Ew, but I guess maybe the Sisters have decided that respecting their privacy is in order?

…four, a cool body was snuggled up to her front, its head pressed to her breast and even breaths penetrating her robe to tickle her skin.

At least he's not drooling on her – yet. Heh.

…and ignored his small, sleepy squeak of protest as she rolled him onto his back to examine his wound.

I'm sure all he wants to do is enjoy his favorite pillow, the poor man.

…she allowed her gaze to continue downward, and saw that his pinstriped trousers had been drawn up and refastened and she frowned. She didn't want to think about anyone touching him there, and marveled at this new feeling of possessiveness.

If you'd have been up to the task, they'd have left it for you to take care of.

…but she supposed that she'd have to deal with her emotions at some point, and now seemed as good a time as any. She surrendered to her musings, her mind turning to speculation as her heart ran to hide.

So still sidestepping the issues then?

She hoped that if she did ever muster up the courage to ask him to teach her, she wouldn't make the request sound as pitiful as it just did in her head. Then again, she mused, as different as the two of them were, just how could things work out between them?

Oh, he'd probably offer to teach her what he could, given her (likely) limited latent abilities. And I think the latter was rather the point the Doctor tried to make during School Reunion, although he's clearly gotten over those misgivings for now.

She loved him so much, in fact, that if things reverted back to the way they had been between them when they finally left this planet, she would cope.

It would not be uncharacteristic of the Doctor (especially Ten) to try to paper over whatever's gone on here.

"Rose Tyler! I have no doubt that you need your rest, but you have slept for several hours now, and the Time Lord should be attended to - "

What, is Rose his servant now?

"Several hours," the Sister repeated. "Sister Ohica thought it best to let the two of you rest, at least initially, but he should be bathed, and I've brought food for the both of you."

Well, Rose did think he was fairly stinky… that would fix the problem.

"Sister Ohica thought it would be best for you to bathe him. He might not react well if one of us were to do it."

Potential understatement of the century there.

"I've brought clean sheets for the bed. I'll change them now, and it would be much easier if you would assist. We'll put some towels beneath him, and they can be easily removed when he is clean."

Ooh, a real hospital-style bed change. Nice.

"'M sorry," Rose apologized to cover her reverie. "Must be more tired than I thought."

Rose stared at the door for a moment before her gaze settled on the shivering Time Lord in the bed.

He lost his hot water bottle, poor woobie Doctor! I'm not sure how warming a sponge bath is going to be, but at least he won't be covered in ick anymore.

Re: Prin Vingt-Quatre Comments

[mtemplar-fic.livejournal.com]

I'd imagine snuggling up with the Doctor is rather like having a room-temperature cat snuggled up to you and trying its damnedest to suck up all your body heat.

Room temperature cat would be better than something like... a lizard, though - right?

Ew, but I guess maybe the Sisters have decided that respecting their privacy is in order?

Yeah, they pretty much just dumped them in the bed and left, sending Lyra back later to face the music.

I'm sure all he wants to do is enjoy his favorite pillow, the poor man.

There are actual pillows in the bed, but he did manage to find his favorite, even in his addled state. *grins*

If you'd have been up to the task, they'd have left it for you to take care of.

I'm grinning at this comment, heh. Bad! Bad filthy mind! Very Bad, Bad, Bad!

So still sidestepping the issues then?

She's doing her best to rationalize things. It's not going to work well.

Oh, he'd probably offer to teach her what he could, given her (likely) limited latent abilities. And I think the latter was rather the point the Doctor tried to make during School Reunion, although he's clearly gotten over those misgivings for now.

Mmmmm... teaching. That could be another omake right there.

It would not be uncharacteristic of the Doctor (especially Ten) to try to paper over whatever's gone on here.

Not at all. *grins*

What, is Rose his servant now?

No - the Sisters don't want him to freak on them. He's been through quite a bit.

Well, Rose did think he was fairly stinky… that would fix the problem.

Yup - snuggling is much nicer if you're not covered in blood and slime. Not stinky also helps.

Potential understatement of the century there.

Hee! The line 'Unhand me, you harpies!' comes to mind again.

Ooh, a real hospital-style bed change. Nice.

Many of my friends are nurses - they are very, very good at what they do. Being able to observe these wondrous people in action really comes in handy, especially if your husband manages to injure himself skiing and is an invalid for a few days. *grimaces*

He lost his hot water bottle, poor woobie Doctor! I'm not sure how warming a sponge bath is going to be, but at least he won't be covered in ick anymore.

It probably won't be very nice as Rose hasn't done something like that before and will be slow. But he won't be covered in ick anymore, like you said.

[measi.livejournal.com]

Absolutely adoring. You're killing me with these week-long waits.

[mtemplar-fic.livejournal.com]

I knew it - you are a Time Lord! Only you seem to have more than 13 lives... hrm.

[ascendant-angel.livejournal.com]

Hey no evil cliff hanger this week, thats nice :D Still loving it.

[mtemplar-fic.livejournal.com]

Nope. You can pretty much figure out what happens next. *grins* And thank you!

[lostwolfchats.livejournal.com]

Oh - lovely... but want more :-( There is just never enough :-(

[mtemplar-fic.livejournal.com]

Thank you! *apologizes profusely for her slowness*

[melnay13.livejournal.com]

I agree with everyone else: there's just not enough of this chapter, dangit! Glad to see the Doctor is feeling better, even if he is unconscious, again. At least this time he's not drugged;)

I do love that Rose awoke to him wrapped around her. It's like he's denied himself her so long, he's not going to let her go, even when he's not fully aware. Reminds me of a puppy looking for his mother's heartbeat. How cute was his whimpering when she moved him?

Seriously, adorable chapter:)

[mtemplar-fic.livejournal.com]

Interesting you should all say that - this chapter and the next were originally joined at the hip, but I ended up splitting them apart when this part was getting overly long. Ah well, means another week of fic, right?

And yes, the Doctor is unfortunately unconscious again, secondary to trauma (he's still healing, with the aid of the elixir) and major artron loss. And yes, he managed to find Rose in the bed even with said unconsciousness. *snuggles them* More cuteness next chapter.

[garpu.livejournal.com]

Snuggly people!

Hrm. Got the notice for this one in my box by the time I woke up...maybe they're moving the process along more?

[principia-coh.livejournal.com]

You mean on LJ or Teaspoon? I've still not gotten a notice from either (and yes, I've filed a support request with LJ about it).

Given the relative dearth of comments thus far, I'm guessing very few people have received notifications.

[mtemplar-fic.livejournal.com]

I'll admit to experimenting - I happened to be up at 4am my time and posted to Teaspoon for yucks. Imagine my surprise when it showed up an hour later as being validated. Weirdness.

[dominamia.livejournal.com]

Intense and glorious

[mtemplar-fic.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[huggabledog.livejournal.com]

Lovely. I'm looking forward to him being awake, but he's just too cute not to be enjoyed like this. Lucky lucky Rose. And kudos to her for making the decision to enjoy it while she can.

"and ignored his small, sleepy squeak of protest as she rolled him onto his back to examine his wound" - awwwww...

You split this into two parts? You split this into two parts? What are you, a dalek? Have pity! (grumbling) It's just so short.

[mtemplar-fic.livejournal.com]

She'll be enjoying it All Next Chapter. *grins*

Yeah, I split it - but that means more fic. Maybe a good thing?

[shengirl.livejournal.com]

"Not now, Mum," she mumbled as she tried to pull the bedcovers over her head. "'M tired - "

XD Poor Rose is so tired and addled, she doesn't know where she is! And then she's beset by all kinds of novel demands. I sympathize; I'm not that eloquent the first five minutes I'm awake either.

[mtemplar-fic.livejournal.com]

Poor Rose... she could really use some more sleep! And snuggling.

And no, she's not the morning person type, is she? At least, I didn't get that impression from her first episode. *grins*

[rebelsaint.livejournal.com]

I really just want to hug Rose in this chapter. And then wake up the Doctor so he can enjoy his sponge bath properly.

[mtemplar-fic.livejournal.com]

She tends to angst quite a bit here, doesn't she? *snuggles her* And poor Ten - getting a sponge bath and he's out cold. The travesty!

[scubagurl22.livejournal.com]

cute chapter, love the snuggling. He's a bit of a natural at that as Ten don't you think?

Soo... next chapter do we get to find out where the tie went? Or maybe hear the rubish in bed discussion? Can't wait for that, do we get it next week?

... not that i'm impatient or anything..... *looks innocent*

[mtemplar-fic.livejournal.com]

Yup - Ten would be a snuggler. Nine not so much, unless there were extreme circumstances, I think.

The tie has yet to be located. I'm thinking about putting out an APB! *grins* And lesse - nope, no 'Oh Noes, I'm Rubbish In Bed' discussion in the next chapter, someone is a bit too busy. And impatient, you? *grins some more*

[brit-columbia.livejournal.com]

Come on, Rose. Make him squeak again. He's just so darn cute when he squeaks.

Her musings about a possible future with him are so sweet and sad. I hope this fic has a happy ending! *Hint, hint*

[mtemplar-fic.livejournal.com]

I keep forgetting that you haven't watched DW *cough*Doomsday*cough* and there's something coming up that will tie into that continuity when it occurs. Hopefully it works out and makes sense.

And you need to get some sleep! *sends a nice calming cup of chamomile tea*

[bluevolvic.livejournal.com]

Awwww!,did you have to leave it there.

Great update,I loved that she woke up snuggled next to him.I hope that her insecurities are cleared up when he wakes,I'm sure he will help clear them up for her though :P

looking forward to the next part, hopefully he'll wake up in time for it ;)he'll enjoy it more :P

[mtemplar-fic.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I did. *shuffles feet*

And he was snuggled up to her! *grins* And maybe someone else might be a bit insecure about things - we'll have to see.

Thanks for the kind comments!

[caitidid19.livejournal.com]

Well, atleast Rose is up and feeling better. But the Doctor needs to wake up and make his intentions clear before Rose gets to stubborn to say anything. Looking foward to next weeks update.

[mtemplar-fic.livejournal.com]

Hee! You've been reading ahead, haven't you? Stubborn!Rose is indeed going to have something to say - not nec. in the next chapter, though. Thanks for the kind comments!